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How can I get beyond blaming?

by Maryam S
(AICHI, Japan)

I've suffered greatly in an empty marriage, from the first day. I have done all of the recommended 'techniques' which are usually suggested, until I am blue in the face. Like checking to see if my expectations are unrealistic, making sure I communicate what my needs are clearly, and making polite requests, not selfish demands. I have clearly confronted my spouse when his behavior and attitude are unacceptable, etc. To no avail. My spouse makes
no effort whatsoever to improve; he just makes one excuse after
another, and continues with his same behavior, as before.

Eventually, I just decided to let go of the parts of the
so-called 'marriage' which are beyond my ability to control.
I won't assume the responsibility for the failings of someone
who in fact does not care about how his behavior hurts and alienates me, and damages (destroys) the relationship time and again. My question is: How do I move beyond the blame, and the bitterness, for what was lost--or rather, what never existed?

I know that we are not supposed to blame people for our difficulties, but what if they truly ARE to blame? If it is their attitude and their behavior and their failures which have destroyed a marriage, singlehandedly---then how does one avoid viewing the situation as it actually is, and calling a spade a spade?

Maybe some persons would say that leaving this partner in the dust long ago was my best option, and maybe they are right.
But I chose to stay, and to keep doing my best, within the
realm of what I am able. To me, when I took my vows, I took
those vows under God, and I intend to keep them, for better
or for worse. I cannot honestly determine which it is! But
that doesn't change my underlyling "value" or "policy" that
marriage is a permanent endeavor, and that it should not
be dumped when the going gets rough, or empty, or heartbreaking.

Yet I still feel rage and grief, and despair and sadness, and bitterness, and all kinds of other toxic feelings. I know that I should work on forgiveness and acceptance, and empathy. But I
don't know HOW to get beyond the waves of residual hurt and unhealed emotional injuries, plus all of the bad memories, which keep coming up and up and up.

I WANT to heal, and to move into forgiveness, but I am imprisoned by my own emotional swamp of trauma and pain, from sixteen years of constant personal struggle. How do I get beyond the blame, and into peace, and serenity?

Comments for How can I get beyond blaming?

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My prayers for you...
by: Deb

My dearest Maryam....wow, I do not have any answers, but my love and caring for YOU and your situation is huge and I send my love and my prayers for WISDOM and a knowingness inside of you that will lead you to where and what and how....choices that will bring you blessings of joy and happiness and away from the feelings of pain that you have experienced....let go of everything...even your thoughts...from the past....ask for direction NOW...each moment...to lead you out of misery and into LOVE....the time is now...I love you and send angels to guide your way....

Live in the present
by: Anonymous

I have found that if I focus on the "here and now" and not on past hurts or future fears it is a little easier to stick with the marriage and keep doing what I can to make it better.

I used to express my hurt and disappointment to my husband but that only made him defensive.

His response was usually that it seemed I would never be happy with him (which may be true) but I am focusing on the things that I can do for myself which bring me joy.

Although it is hard to not be resentful or angry that he won't work at the marriage, I've learned that those toxic emotions or only hurting ME- I now try to turn myself around and do something good for myself whenver I feel those emotions creeping up.

Finding Inner Peace and Happiness
by: Jeannie Phillips

Hello Maryram
It wasn?t by chance that you met and married your husband it was part of your soul growth but what did you learn from the experience, what was the lesson? All that has been achieved as he walks away into the sunset is that you are left with pain, anger and bitterness.
We all make the mistake of focusing on the outer world for our inner happiness. Know that we cannot change a person/people or their behaviour, but we can change our perception of them. When something outwardly affects us know that there is something within us that needs to be addressed.
We do allow people to offload their emotional rubbish on to us, which is then added to our own that we have accumulated. All this creates unhappiness and inner turmoil that sits heavily in our solar plexus. This is what you have allowed your husband to do to you. That inner pain will keep surfacing into your conscious mind until you deal with it.
If we follow our inner guidance and intuition it will lead us to do our own inner journey stripping away negative aspects of our personality, emotional baggage, and conditioning, and childhood experiences that we collect throughout life. As the negativity disperses the light of our soul starts to shine through making us feel lighter, brighter and empowered As you re-connect with the soul ( God part of us), comes knowledge wisdom and all knowing, as well as that all consuming love and inner peace.
You can then look out and view the world and those within it with clarity, instead of looking at life and people through your own negativity.
When you start clearing your emotional issues you will attract the right people/person towards you, which will bring back equilibrium into your life.
If you find this difficult to put into practice may I suggest you look on the internet for EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) it is a free site which teaches you very simply how to tap out these emotional issues as they arise by tapping on energy meridians in the body. I have used this method on many clients with excellent results.
Blessing Jeannie Phillips

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